loverrrr & beefay.

okay you guys.

if you follow me on twitter (if not, you SHOULD! www.twitter.com/itsjoyaknow ) or are friends with me on facebook, you prollllllyyyyy know that i get to see danielle & mallory [loverrrr & beefay, respectively] on saturday.

like, i'm more excited about seeing them than i am, for christmas. [with my balllller christmas present, hahaha] but guys. seriously. i. CANNOT. stand it. i honestly don't think i've been THIS excited for anything in a really, really, really long time. [esp. after may 31st... js.]

AND! y'all. danielle is 40 minutes away now.
shes in raleigh.
lunging Harvey.
& she called me.
and im like, YOU'RE NOT 4 HOURS & 45 MINUTES AWAY NOWWWWW!
omg.
but it still seems SOOOOO long off.
i have to go through tomorrow.
tomorrow night's drive to the beach.
friday. & trying not to get killed by meagan. or meghan. or megan. idk. idc.
& not being served cianyde [sp?] jello shots.
don't ask about that last one. itsssss & loverrrrr&boo kinda thing.
that happened this morning.
hahahahahahahaha wowwwww.
sorry. i just thought about our convo this morning, ittttt was redic.

but then again, its redic how much i miss & love & can't wait to see her.
so.
expect facebook, youtube, and this blog to BLOW UP come sunday.

& ima post a thanksgiving post tomorrow :)

loveee y'alllllllll :D

its the most wonderful time of the year...

i generally LOVE the holidays.
love love love.
& i do.

but now, i'm just..
scared & dreading them.
everybody thinks i'm doing faaaantastic w/ the whole grandma deal.
everybody but 2 people.
& i get to see all of those "everybody"'s within the next month & a half.
& i'm afraid i'm gonna break down infront of them.
& that would notttt be good.

so, as thanksgiving & then christmas approaches, i get to continue my wonderful ability of hiding my emotions & lying.
yay.

& then wait to talk to amy & danielle & cry hysterically & spill my guts to the only 2 people that really know whats going on.

yayyy.

ON a sweet note, i get to see beefay & loverrrrrr [mallory paige cobb & danielle taylor plourd] in 5 days. i'm about to cry i'm so excited.

& danielle has been teaching me lessons. & i loveeeee them! & her.
&its definatelyyyyy interesting, hahaha.
& some people are just SOOOO mature! aaack.

but i also dislike it when people think they know whats going on & offer advice when in reality they've known me for a MONTH. no shug, you don't know what i'm going through, so please, no thank you.

but y'all, these 3 people make me so happy. & i need to end this on a happy note. because i surprisingly have been REALLY happy this past week. well thats over now but its okay, cause the only man who has my heart is my daddy <3
so. here's to the people i can always count on <3

i'm scared.

i lost count of how many times i've typed a message here.
& i keep erasing it.

because i'm afraid that it will reveal too much.

or be too vauge.

or that one person will read it & freak out.
& i coudldn't stand losing that person.


I'm also afraid of getting too close.
&having that person leave.
like everyone else has.


I'm afraid that nobody will ever know.
& that i'll go my whole life with this feeling.
I'm afraid that i'll never come to peace with it.
i'm afraid that i'm trying SO hard to get over it, that i never will.


I'm afraid that i will fail.


i'm afraid that i'm getting too deep.
infact i know i am.
but i can't stop myself.


& i know i'm setting myself up for a major heartache.
but i can't stop myself.

i just wish you knew how much this has changed me.
because i'll never be the same.

& the truth is..

. . . everytime you call me baby, i melt inside.

grrr. & MUSiC!

okay. little rant here. i'm just REALLY mad & upset & frusterated & furious. so. mom *thought* she saw a mouse in the pantry. *thought*. SO. i had [still am, but im taking a break] to throw away EVERY single box of food we have in the pantry. EVERYTHING. 4 trashbags FULL of food. because there COULD be a mouse that COULD have gotten into the food. 4 trashbags. FULL. OF. FOOD. perfectly good food. i have YET to find any evidence of this mysterious mouse. but whatever. SO. we no longer have ANY typical food. cereal, crackers, cookies, oatmeal, potatoe chips, whatever is normally in a pantry we no longer have any. SO, i'm working my freaking butt off in there, throwing away food, seperating it so we can give some to the dogs, just, REALLY mad cause moms NOT helping "because she might see it". uh huh. and this is AFTER i complain about my really bad cramps & how i was looking foward to just chillaxing this afternoon. after i take her to michaels, sams, walmart, and other stores. we're gone from like 10-3. then i get to do all that crap. so THEN she tells me to go get the clorox out of the shop and put it in a spray bottle & clorox the now empty pantry. oookkkeeeyyyy doke. so i come in, and she tells me to go ahead & clorox the floor [we have linoleium flooring in the kitchen, the hardwood floors haven't been installed in there yet] while she goes with papa to ride around on the gator around the fields. yeah, i'm pretty sure my devil horns are visible.

BUT! good news.
i heard 2 AMAZING songs todayyyy! i'm excited about it. the first one is "two is better than one" by boys like girls & taylor swift, and the 2nd one is "if you only knew" by shinedown. i love shinedown more & more everyday. so here's linkageeeee! =)


& i'm completely serious that these 2 songs have made my day. i'm staying with peggy tonight, thankfully.& danielle hasn't gotten home yet. so my loverrrrr hasn't been able to releave my stress yet =) [&annie &mayg, yes, thats a vuage reference to YKWYW chapter 22, haha. oh &sheena would get that too <3 ] ANYWAY! the songs. if you only knew;

two is better than one;

mommy =)

OK. so in the midst of being at the hospital & being dizzy and all, the doctor [a hospitalist] saw on the CT scan a bunch of sinus fluid stopped up in her maxilary sinus, which is right under the eye. My daddy THEN had the idea to call in his ENT [ear, nose, and throat] specalist that had done surgery on him, to look at the sinus caviaties and see what was going on. so daddy had hte nurse call her at 7PM, and the doctor was there by 9 PM. she wanted to see more, so she scheduled more CT Scans for the next day. so mom had more done the next day, and the doctor told mom to come in when she was feeling better and they'd discuss it. so mom & dad went in yesterday, and they looked at the scans. the screws and titanium that is in her brain from where she ad her brain tumors are screwed into her sinus cavaties. the screw & plate in her jaw from her jaw surgery are ALSO pertruding into sinus cavaties. the piece of titanium, that is on her forehead, that y'all all have prolly seen, is DANGERIOUSLY close to the skin, and the doctor is afraid that it could literally bust through the skin. so the doctor thinks that all of the artificial stuff in her brain is causing all of her headaches. so, the options are 1) do nothing. 2) they would put a small camera up her nose, and be able to look around some, but you woudln't be able to see much. or 3), cut her skull open again, pull back the skin, and look around and take out & possibly replace the artificial stuff in her head. they kinda are suggesting option #3, but of course we are weary. please continue to pray for her dizzy-ness to stop, and for us to figure out which option we should do. thanks so much! :)

someone

life has been CRAZY. mom being rushed to the ER, stumping the doctors, being admitted, her being okay.. dealing w/ life w/ all this, and smiling the whole time. & you know how they say love comes unexpectedly? well yeah, it does :) so i'll post a whole update on mom later, but for now, meg gets the spotlight for sending this to me :)

"sometimes it seems like you are the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frusterated, unsatisfied, barely getting by. but that feeling is a lie & if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone will find you & make it all okay. because we all need a little help sometimes; someone to help us hear the music in their world, to remind us that it won't always this way. that someone is out there. and that someone will find you."

i don't know who said it, where it came from, or anything. i just get a message with that and and a heart in it, and it kinda made my day. :)