forever ...

Okay. So. Sheena had the broad statement that "breathing is essential". and yes, it is. so i've kinda had my own realization thingey... okay... its REALLY simple & i know you're gonna laugh, so prepare yourself.

Death is forever.

(uhh.. okay? ... )

and just what gets me so much is the fact that I'll never see grandma again. or my other grandma. or Mr. Gerald. or Mrs. Julia. well, not ever ever ever again, but in this life. I know i'll see them in heaven, but who knows how long that will be be? i mean, i could see them by the end of writing this sentence! ( and if you're reading this then i guessssss it didn't happen quite yet, hahaha) but just.. idk. its been what, 7 months since grandma died? 8 months since mrs. julia died? & it seems like an eternity.. and i have the rest of my life to life without them in it. all the things that i'll go through, without them. & that's prettttyyyy depressing. so i try not to think about that too much, but yeah.. *sigh* i don't know.

& its almost like a piece of me is like "okay, so in a certain amount of time this will be over, they'll be back, and it'll be like normal again." & not like denial, its not that i'm denying that they're gone, its just like, i'm denying the fact that they're gone forever. & then a piece of me completely realizes that they are gone & i won't see them here again, & i'm .. okay with it.

goshhhhh i'm really screwed up hahaha. & i was thinking that maybe by typing it out & just, "talking" it out would make it make more sense... but it really didn't. so yeah.

Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today" has been on repeat the whole time i've been writing this. i love that song. maybe i'll do a blog of songs that i've listened to alot during this whole ...ordeal. yeah, maybe i'll do that later on. anyway, i love these lyrics. and even tho its more of like a younger person dying than an older person, i still reallllly listen to the lyrics & can apply them to my life, ya know? but anyway! the favorite part. at the very end,

"sunny days seem to hurt the most,
i wear the pain like a heavy coat,
but the only thing that gives me hope
is i know i'll see you again someday"


and I will. I'll see them all again someday :) & that gives me the hope & strength to get there ...

8. 9. 57.

count downsss!

8 days until my 3rd favorite day of the year; christmas eve with my daddy!
9 days until my favorite day of the year, christmas!
and 57 days until my 4th favorite day of the year, anytime i get to see danielle!

so yeah.
this is insanelyyyyy redic & unnecessary butttt i don't care! hahaha.

oh! i get to see Amanda next week! i haven't seen her since her dad's funeral 3 years ago. so pathetic, ughey.  but anyway. thats going to be SO so so much fun! & meagan comes home tomorrow, so we're gonna have a "legit" date this time hahaha. so anyway. i declare, my friendships got so much stronger with everybody after they went off to college! wierdddd.

but anyway. yeah. hahaha i honestly don't know. wow. and i'm still talking! so yeah. maybe i'll shut up now.
OH!
i had a crisis last night.
nobody could see my status' on facebook. NOBODY. ughey. so then i realized, after having to stop & take a  SHOWER because i was so upset, that when i post a status from andrew, nobody can see it. and if i do one from my laptop, then people can. so ughey. i don't know anymore hahaha. but anyway, annie helped me last night & it was all good :)

woo.. okay?

so.

i was reading Danielle & I's IM archive history earlier today cause i was bored. & it only goes back to like September. depressing. & then i realized SO much of our epicness comes from phone conversations. AIM isn't there to archive that. so really funny stuff, or stuff that i just wanna keep, i'm going to blog. so in 10 years we can read it. & i'm going to try the label thing. so yeah. ima go ahead & apologize for it. cause i have no clue how much i'll post. or i could just create a new blog? maybe i'll do that. YES. i will. ahh! i'm excited. for mallory & danielle & amy & maygen & annie & alexie & claire and everybodyyyy. okay. prolly more of danielle & amy, i talk to them the most via-non-aim stuff. so yeah.

okay.

i'll post the link in a bit.

so annie creates epic playlists at 1:30.
i create blogs for my best friends at 12:17.
woooo!

okay, im so stoked now! hahaha :)

...

okay.

there's one thing you DO NOT joke around with me anymore. well not since May 31st anyway. & thats suicide.
do people not see me visibly tense up & my mood change completely when they jokingly/un-seriously mention suicide?
and these people KNOW. they know what happened.
but they don't know how bad it upset me.
but do they HONESTLY think that I would be OK with them acting like suicide is nothing? that its just a joke?
or do they even think about that?
the connection.
i'm realizing more & more that people don't care.
well, as much as i thought they would. should. could. whatever.

I'm just learning to expect the least from the people I expected the most from ....

*not intended for those of you who might read this who had suicidal thoughts/problems.. i know who you are & this is NOT you. this is idiots who don't have a brain.*

this whole "ordeal" has changed me so so so much. i was never like this before. & i hate the fact that something can change me so much. one small, simple thing. & i know its complex & complicated but still.. i thought i was stronger than to let it change me this much. & to have so much control of me. i'm just.. dissapointed in myself that i can't shake it & go on & be my oldself. & be strong again. be able to deal with all of my problems and my best friends. it seems like now, i help them deal with their stuff & i have no strength left to deal with mine. and don't get me wrong, i LOVE helping them. i love being there for them & being the one they go to when they have problems. i love knowing that they know i'm there for them whenever, no matter what, anything. it makes me feel special, ya know? anyway.. after that.. i'm just like, dude, i can't deal with my crap too so i just push it aside until eventually i just BREAK. and breakdown, and breakdown, and breakdown. last breakdown? in the middle of sunday school. thaaaat was lovely. if you were there you know how bad it was. i feel another one comming. & i pray that im alone & with parker when it comes. cause thats honestly the best way to just, let it out & regroup & idk, cope i guess.

so yeah.

this totally isn't what i thought it was gonna be, but it came out and im typing so yeah. just ignore all this hahahah, idk if it helps or not but hey, it can't hurt, right?

anyway.

i talked to jess today! yayyyy :) i love her.

the blind side

warning. if you don't wanna know what happens, don't read past this line, but know its one of the best movie's ever.

OH MY GOSH Y'ALL. SOOOOOOOOO good. i said i was gonna cry, and i didn't! idk why, it wasn't as sad as i thought. but okay. i just got through reading Mrs. Amy's post about princess & the frog (http://www.sabennett.com/wp/) and i'm too old for disney movies so i really didn't know what it was about, but reading her post, i was like OH MY GOSH. are you kidding me?! DISNEY, movie, for KIDS, with voodoo dolls? whaaaaat? i was BLOWN away. and i lost so much respect for disney now. i never was the biggest fan of disney, i can't tell you the 7dwarfs names, or anything. i remember cinderella, but i don't think i ever saw aladin or beauty and the beast [saw the play tho!] or sleeping beauty or any of those. idk. i just, wasn't into it. so anyway, i'm just like, wow.

okay! on to the blind side. i think i was expecting alot more poverty and, ghetto-ness & saddness. but it showed enough to get the point across, but still keep it cheery & upbeat. i was laughing SO hard. LOVE S.J. he's hilarious. i would have LOVED to have seen more b/w Collins & Michael. but i LOVED LOVED LOVED S.J. & michael, such great interaction. & y'all? SANDRA BULLOCK BEASTEDDDDDD her role. omg. SO good. i smiled the whole time. and get this? i counted 3 cuss words. THREE. i can't even watch a freaking disney show and hear that little! and minus a fight that Michael starts because this old yucky ghetto hood guy says that he'd tap his sister, there was no violence. but when the guy was like, "and you baby sister? mmm, i'd tap that" the wholeeeeee entire theatre went "oooh!" cause they knew it was comming. but just, LOVED this movie. and no insanely gorgeous guys to oogle over, either. i know, i know. i loved the morals in this movie. family. work hard for what you want. love. courage. being afraid and doing it anyway. going against the odds. having everything stacked up against you and going foward. being told you can't and PROVING them wrong. being told your the wrong size, wrong color, wrong height, wrong weight. everything in the world against you except for your few true friends, and doing it. i loved it. i laughed so hard, i was crying at times. it was sweet, touched my heart, and im SO stoked for it to come out on DVD. & i know i said that the proposal would be hte first movie on Andrew, but it didn't ever get there. THIS soooo might be.

I think we can just use a movie that has a happy ending.
& go see it! and take me with you hahaha :)
like, 5 thumbs up or whatever it is.
amazing.
:)

plus the fact that i got to spend the night with my daddy didn't hurt at allllllll :)

guess who has a date today...

ME! at 12. with MAYGEN! i'm SO stoked. and yes, it did take 7 facebook messages to come up with a date and time to call each other and talk. how retarded is this? ughey. but none the less,

I HAVE A HOTT DATE WITH MAYGEN LAUREN TODAY!
so, me:1 world:0 :)

looooove you baby girl!

John Mayer is epic.

So. I saw this on Sheena's other blog. fell. in. love. its so true. & you know what? i legit said "i'd like that :) " when will asked if i'd like to talk sa'more sometime. so. freaking. true. anyway, its amazing, i love John & Sheena, and here is Sheena's Blog :) anyway! enough talking. Enjoy!

So I was thinking about relationships as they pertain to songs about relationships, and I was trying to think, well it occurred to me that the key, I figured out the key to a relationship and how to make it work. Check it out, this is a tip from your uncle John, check it out.




When you first meet somebody, you find out they like you, first of all, a friend of a friend of theirs says he or she really really likes you, and it kills you, floors you, sends you to the ground. You've got to pick yourself up off the ground. Then you get their phone number and you call them up, right, and you say, "Yeah, that's a really great phone conversation, can I see you some time?" and then they say this, they say, "I'd like that." Nothing feels better than "I'd like that."



So now, your blood pressures' going. You're six feet off the ground. You can't sleep, because of "I'd like that."



So then you hang out for a while, and you call and you talk on the phone all the time, and then you drop the bomb, what feels like the bomb. You say, "You know what, I've been thinking about you a lot." And she goes, "Ahhhhhhh!" And you go, "What happened?" and she goes, "I'm sorry, I just...I just...I just...that's...I've been thinking about you too." Bam. Higher into the sky.



But now "I'd like that." Tch. Done. Now you're up to "I'm thinkin about you."



Then however number of months pass that it makes you feel comfortable saying it, you say "I gotta tell you something." They go "What?" you go, "I'm in love with you." And nothing in the world sounds better than "I'm in love with you." And then maybe she starts crying, or maybe he goes "*gasp*"



And all of a sudden you're like "I'm in."



But now what doesn't work? "I'd like that," and "I've been thinking about you." Now we're at "I'm in love with you."



Then maybe some day it'll move up to "I love you." Fast forward, now you're like "I love you a lot; I love you more than anything in life." Now "I love you" doesn't work. It's a threshold that keeps moving up. Fast forward, like six months, six weeks, whatever the case may be, now you're on like, "I want to marry you" "I want to impregnate you with my love" "I wanna, I wanna just send my love to you." "Damn it, words don't work anymore!" And then you say this line, and you know, you know you've used this line before, "I just wish they'd put a new word in the dictionary bigger than love because love just doesn't describe what I feel."



And so now he or she starts asking, "Do you love me?" and you start going, "Of course I love you." "Well say it." And then it becomes, "Say it twice." And she goes, "Say it three times." And then, you cross a really interesting point, where all the sudden it becomes, "I hate you, I hate you!" And you go, "Oh my god she hates me." And now it's like, "I hate you more than anything." And then it's like, "We're over." And then they go, "No we're not." And you g, "Yes we are."



Now the words completely do not work at all, you're left with nothing. You're throwing punches under water. You're done.



You know what the moral of that story is, if there is one. Never, ever, ever, ever underestimate the power of "I'd like that."



- John Mayer, Any Given Thursday