mommy =)

OK. so in the midst of being at the hospital & being dizzy and all, the doctor [a hospitalist] saw on the CT scan a bunch of sinus fluid stopped up in her maxilary sinus, which is right under the eye. My daddy THEN had the idea to call in his ENT [ear, nose, and throat] specalist that had done surgery on him, to look at the sinus caviaties and see what was going on. so daddy had hte nurse call her at 7PM, and the doctor was there by 9 PM. she wanted to see more, so she scheduled more CT Scans for the next day. so mom had more done the next day, and the doctor told mom to come in when she was feeling better and they'd discuss it. so mom & dad went in yesterday, and they looked at the scans. the screws and titanium that is in her brain from where she ad her brain tumors are screwed into her sinus cavaties. the screw & plate in her jaw from her jaw surgery are ALSO pertruding into sinus cavaties. the piece of titanium, that is on her forehead, that y'all all have prolly seen, is DANGERIOUSLY close to the skin, and the doctor is afraid that it could literally bust through the skin. so the doctor thinks that all of the artificial stuff in her brain is causing all of her headaches. so, the options are 1) do nothing. 2) they would put a small camera up her nose, and be able to look around some, but you woudln't be able to see much. or 3), cut her skull open again, pull back the skin, and look around and take out & possibly replace the artificial stuff in her head. they kinda are suggesting option #3, but of course we are weary. please continue to pray for her dizzy-ness to stop, and for us to figure out which option we should do. thanks so much! :)

someone

life has been CRAZY. mom being rushed to the ER, stumping the doctors, being admitted, her being okay.. dealing w/ life w/ all this, and smiling the whole time. & you know how they say love comes unexpectedly? well yeah, it does :) so i'll post a whole update on mom later, but for now, meg gets the spotlight for sending this to me :)

"sometimes it seems like you are the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frusterated, unsatisfied, barely getting by. but that feeling is a lie & if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone will find you & make it all okay. because we all need a little help sometimes; someone to help us hear the music in their world, to remind us that it won't always this way. that someone is out there. and that someone will find you."

i don't know who said it, where it came from, or anything. i just get a message with that and and a heart in it, and it kinda made my day. :)

i stand in awe of you <3

annie caught me singing this. repeatidly. we sung it in youth choir today, and i reallllly love this song :)

tear

ever feel like you want to cry, but can't? i do. and i wonder why i feel *so* sad inside, but yet i can't make my eyes cry. and all i want to do is grab my old teddy bear, cuddle up, and cry myself to sleep. because it gives you some sense of comfort, but i just can't. cry for love lost, pepole lost, and feelings you'll never feel again. hugs you'll never get again. food you'll never taste again. seeing that smile, hearing that laugh, and feeling that way. and thats me right now. at 12:29A.M., saturday morning.

NC State Fair! :)

sorry its a couple days late, but better late than never. so here we go!

halter; 1st under both judges
*grand champion youth gelding* under both judges! :)

sms; 1st under both :) i was really happy with parker, but i made a stupid mistake. you had to trot around cones, and then back up to where your hip was in-line with with the judge, so when you piovoted 90 degrees you would be inline with the judge. well stupid me didn't back up enough, i needed 2 more steps to be even. but even with that mistake, i was still able to win :) so i was happy. espicially with parker, he was really good, i was just beating myself up for a stupid, novice mistake.

novice youth wp; 1st under both. okay. so i get on right as they are finishing the hour long break, and there is 1 class before mine. and, of course, parker is SUPER SUPER SUPER fresh. even after i lunged for almost an hour, and hes bowing up & crow hopping and i'm like GREATTTT. so i try to get as much energy out as fast as possible, and then i realize i have my bigger spurs on than i normally do, so i send mom back to the trailer to get my small spurs. so right as mom is comming back, they start calling for my class so i hollar to mr. lester HOLD THE GATE! TACK CHANGE! so they hold the gate for me [they were so nice! :) ] and i get them changed and lope off, lope through the chute and break to a jog and jog in. PHEW. he's OK, not the best, but it could have been worse.

14-18 WP; 1st under both. there was only 1 class in b/w my other WP class & this one, so again i didn't have much time to wear him out. but i basically loped out of the class and loped the whole. 7. minutes. so i got some energy out. he was better than the first class, so i was pleased with his improvement.

NY HMS: 1&2. good pattern. didn't really understand the placing.

14-18. 2&2. this REALLY REALLY confused me. [and ticked me off] the girl who won had NO change of speed from her 2 circles, and i most obviously did. *siiiiiigh* we've all won classes we didn't deserve to win, so i guess you gotta lose classes you deserve to win.

open trail; 6&6. they asked me to fill to make 10 so i agree'ed. i basically didn't know the pattern, and didn't get a chance to practice it, so we did pretty good. the only thing we did BAD that docked us that low was we stepped out of the "L" back through, which docked us that low.

youth trail; 1&1. i was SO proud of parker! they had elevated lope overs, and he didn't tick a single one :) i was smiling the whole time. really, really, REALLY happy with him. ABSOLUTELY amazing way to end the night. prolly one of our best trail runs.. so happy.

:)


http://dontrout.com/photo_store/watermark.php?i=52391

http://dontrout.com/photo_store/watermark.php?i=52322

http://dontrout.com/photo_store/watermark.php?i=52333

red light <3

So this is how it ends
This is where it all goes down
This is what "I don't love you" feels like

It ain't the middle of the night
And it ain't even raining outside
It ain't exactly what I had in mind
For goodbye


At a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try
Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light



I thought she was gonna say
Somethin' about that couple kissin'
Crossin' the street
Or somethin' about this beautiful day
But she just looked me in the eye
Said it's over
Didn't try to lie
Or pick a fight
I might have seen it comin' thata way

But at a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try
Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light



There's a momma calmin' down a little baby
In the backseat in front of me
There's an old man dressed in his Sunday best
Just waitin' on green
But I can't see, gettin' past

This red light
In the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try
Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday in the sunshine
At a red light


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vQDWDoS8dQ
(it won't let me embed, but you need to listn to this song. it is SO good)
red light; david nail.

its kinda from a reverse approach, but still.

i would have never guessed it would have went down this way. and it didn't hurt until i realized that he didn't realize how bad he hurt me.

so yeah. sheea + danielle + mallory + music + parker = me getting bye.
thanks guys, i love you<3

bad days & disapointment

okay. just as surely as you breath & die, people will disapoint you. and it sucks. i hate disapointment. i hate disapointing people, i hate the feeling, and i hate when people disapoint me. i just; don't like it. and just other crappy stuff has happened today and just left me in a bad mood and just having a bad day for the first time in a loooong time. i'm not really in a 'bad mood' all that often, something will tick me off and i'll be mad for a frew hours, but never anything thats just, kept me mad/sad all day. well today it has.

and its okay. like Lady A. said, "i guess its better to hurt than to feel nothing at all." so, i guess i'm alive. i'm living life. and i'll get over it, and i'll be a stronger person for it, i guess. idk. either way, life doesn't slow down and wait just because i'm having a bad day and i've been screwed with. so i could sit here and keep writing about this sucky day, and throw a freaking pity party for myself, or i could build a bridge and get over it and live my life. so, thats what i'm gonna do. i'm going to go ride parker, play with madison, and enjoy a phone call thats about to come any second.

but 2 things that have gotten me through this day ; taylor swift & annie plecki. [i think i got it right?] but yeah. seriously. blasting taylor and talking to annie. she makes me laugh. alot. and smile, and just, idk. makes me feel good, somehow. and taylor? goshhhh i love her songs. prolly cause i'm about the same age, and she writes about the crap that we've all gone through, and idk. she's not the best musician. she's not the best singer. she's not the best song writer. but i don't care. she gets to me, her songs mean alot to me, and she truly is one of my favorite singers. and i love her songs. and thats why i blast her on a bad day.

okay. off to my parker <33

stuff & the weekend.

soooo, i haven't exactely blogged in a while. because there's not much to say.. <-- lie. idk. its just, i haven't felt like the world needed to hear all of my problems i've been dealing with. and i know some of you are like, "psh, you tell me everything!" and i do. for a reason. i trust you. i know your not gonna go behind my back and talk about me, you seem to actually CARE, and idk, i just feel like i can tell them any & everything. weather they like it or not... lol. but yeah. you know who you are. so, since those 4 very special people have been taking care of me, i'm kinda filled up on my "help-o-meter". and lemme tell ya. i've had some major.. girl-issues this past week. but its good now. but i do think i needa just shut up sometimes. so i'm gonna try that. shutting up. but it prolly won't work. but i am going to try, cause you prolly hate me w/ all i tell haha.

so now that i've got that outta the way, i can talk about what i did this weekend! wooo.

thursday; i went to West Johnson's JV football game, to see Robert play & stuff. they lost, really really badly, but Robert had a couple sacks and had alot of tackles', so it was good :) he's # 59; aka, the biggest guy on the team. (pretty much anyway)

Friday; DATE NIGHT WITH THE BEST FRIENDDDDD! ahhh. excited. so, we basically ate at El Tap, went to marshall's, ross, rue 21, and starbucks. ahhhh. so amazing. she pretty much fixed everything, and i was so happy =)

and like did you seriously expect us to go shopping WITHOUT trying on the most hideous dresses we could find? please.

Saturday; NC State/Wake Forest game; eeekkkkkkkkk. we started out really good. then it went downhill. until like, 5 minutes left in the game. we almost made a comback, buuuuttttt, ugh. lets just not talk about it.

Sunday; homecomming @ church, good food and stuff. then i did nothing. all day. omg, soooo amazing. theeeen the chargers/steelers game. eeek. again. i mean, honestly. it was a terrible weekend for football. except that unc lost, WOOT WOOT! but we did make a comback, but we still sucked & lost. ugh.

so what did i learn from this weekend? i have the best best friend in the whole entire world, like ever and ever, and philip rivers is ultimately the sexiest, hottest guy on the earth.

good weekend <3