...

okay.

there's one thing you DO NOT joke around with me anymore. well not since May 31st anyway. & thats suicide.
do people not see me visibly tense up & my mood change completely when they jokingly/un-seriously mention suicide?
and these people KNOW. they know what happened.
but they don't know how bad it upset me.
but do they HONESTLY think that I would be OK with them acting like suicide is nothing? that its just a joke?
or do they even think about that?
the connection.
i'm realizing more & more that people don't care.
well, as much as i thought they would. should. could. whatever.

I'm just learning to expect the least from the people I expected the most from ....

*not intended for those of you who might read this who had suicidal thoughts/problems.. i know who you are & this is NOT you. this is idiots who don't have a brain.*

this whole "ordeal" has changed me so so so much. i was never like this before. & i hate the fact that something can change me so much. one small, simple thing. & i know its complex & complicated but still.. i thought i was stronger than to let it change me this much. & to have so much control of me. i'm just.. dissapointed in myself that i can't shake it & go on & be my oldself. & be strong again. be able to deal with all of my problems and my best friends. it seems like now, i help them deal with their stuff & i have no strength left to deal with mine. and don't get me wrong, i LOVE helping them. i love being there for them & being the one they go to when they have problems. i love knowing that they know i'm there for them whenever, no matter what, anything. it makes me feel special, ya know? anyway.. after that.. i'm just like, dude, i can't deal with my crap too so i just push it aside until eventually i just BREAK. and breakdown, and breakdown, and breakdown. last breakdown? in the middle of sunday school. thaaaat was lovely. if you were there you know how bad it was. i feel another one comming. & i pray that im alone & with parker when it comes. cause thats honestly the best way to just, let it out & regroup & idk, cope i guess.

so yeah.

this totally isn't what i thought it was gonna be, but it came out and im typing so yeah. just ignore all this hahahah, idk if it helps or not but hey, it can't hurt, right?

anyway.

i talked to jess today! yayyyy :) i love her.