forever ...

Okay. So. Sheena had the broad statement that "breathing is essential". and yes, it is. so i've kinda had my own realization thingey... okay... its REALLY simple & i know you're gonna laugh, so prepare yourself.

Death is forever.

(uhh.. okay? ... )

and just what gets me so much is the fact that I'll never see grandma again. or my other grandma. or Mr. Gerald. or Mrs. Julia. well, not ever ever ever again, but in this life. I know i'll see them in heaven, but who knows how long that will be be? i mean, i could see them by the end of writing this sentence! ( and if you're reading this then i guessssss it didn't happen quite yet, hahaha) but just.. idk. its been what, 7 months since grandma died? 8 months since mrs. julia died? & it seems like an eternity.. and i have the rest of my life to life without them in it. all the things that i'll go through, without them. & that's prettttyyyy depressing. so i try not to think about that too much, but yeah.. *sigh* i don't know.

& its almost like a piece of me is like "okay, so in a certain amount of time this will be over, they'll be back, and it'll be like normal again." & not like denial, its not that i'm denying that they're gone, its just like, i'm denying the fact that they're gone forever. & then a piece of me completely realizes that they are gone & i won't see them here again, & i'm .. okay with it.

goshhhhh i'm really screwed up hahaha. & i was thinking that maybe by typing it out & just, "talking" it out would make it make more sense... but it really didn't. so yeah.

Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today" has been on repeat the whole time i've been writing this. i love that song. maybe i'll do a blog of songs that i've listened to alot during this whole ...ordeal. yeah, maybe i'll do that later on. anyway, i love these lyrics. and even tho its more of like a younger person dying than an older person, i still reallllly listen to the lyrics & can apply them to my life, ya know? but anyway! the favorite part. at the very end,

"sunny days seem to hurt the most,
i wear the pain like a heavy coat,
but the only thing that gives me hope
is i know i'll see you again someday"


and I will. I'll see them all again someday :) & that gives me the hope & strength to get there ...