I Hung Up My Bridle Today

Danielle told me to read this. & even if you don't ride, I still think its beautiful. & yes, I cried & cried & criedddddd. But its so sweet, & true.

Hung Up My Bridle Todayby Kris Garrett

11-11-09

Yesterday, for the first time,
I was too tired to ride.
I was afraid I would be hurt if I was thrown.
I heard someone say my barn was too shabby.
I let someone tell me I was too pudgy to ride.
I realized I was old
I had to face that I could no longer keep up.
I had to let go of my dreams
I felt my heart break.
I turned my back on my friend.
I knew I was done.

Today, for the last time,
I felt warm, braided leather in my hands.
I ran my stirrups up so they wouldn't bang my mare's sides.
I released the buckles on the girth and watched my girl sigh.
I slowly dropped the bit so it wouldn't hit her teeth.
I gave my mare a cookie to thank her for the ride.
I buried my head in her soft, warm neck.
I inhaled the sun and the dust in her long winter coat.
I closed the gate and trudged to the muddy porch.
I tracked hay and horse hair into my house.
I pulled off my boots and felt the sting of warm blood returning to my cold toes.

Today, for the first time,
I cried after my ride.
I felt my hands shake as I set the saddle on its rack.
I hugged my young trainer a final goodbye.
I waited for the new owner's trailer to arrive.
I set my boots in a box to go to the Goodwill.
I sighed at the wear on my riding gloves.
I had no hay in my hair.
I did not hear nickering when I opened my back door.
I felt worse leaving the barn that I did when I entered.
I had no one to check on before going to bed.

Tomorrow, for the first time,
I won't have to buy hay.
I can stay in bed longer.
I won't see the poop pile grow.
I won't be able to fly on four legs.
I will be sorry I listened.
I will regret letting her go.
I will be angry at God.
I will be angry at myself.
I will cry the day away.
I will be glad to die.

Day after tomorrow, for the first time,
I will awaken in tears.
I will know I was wrong.
I will defy all the judgment.
I will ignore my old bones.
I will return the buyer's check.
I will bring my friend home.
I will take my boots out of the box.
I will be reborn.

For the rest of my life,
I will have a horse in my yard.
I will ignore the cruel judging.
I will watch the poop pile grow.
I will have hay in my hair.
I will track mud in my house.
I will bury my face in her soft neck.
I will let my soul fly.
I will never be alone.

forever ...

Okay. So. Sheena had the broad statement that "breathing is essential". and yes, it is. so i've kinda had my own realization thingey... okay... its REALLY simple & i know you're gonna laugh, so prepare yourself.

Death is forever.

(uhh.. okay? ... )

and just what gets me so much is the fact that I'll never see grandma again. or my other grandma. or Mr. Gerald. or Mrs. Julia. well, not ever ever ever again, but in this life. I know i'll see them in heaven, but who knows how long that will be be? i mean, i could see them by the end of writing this sentence! ( and if you're reading this then i guessssss it didn't happen quite yet, hahaha) but just.. idk. its been what, 7 months since grandma died? 8 months since mrs. julia died? & it seems like an eternity.. and i have the rest of my life to life without them in it. all the things that i'll go through, without them. & that's prettttyyyy depressing. so i try not to think about that too much, but yeah.. *sigh* i don't know.

& its almost like a piece of me is like "okay, so in a certain amount of time this will be over, they'll be back, and it'll be like normal again." & not like denial, its not that i'm denying that they're gone, its just like, i'm denying the fact that they're gone forever. & then a piece of me completely realizes that they are gone & i won't see them here again, & i'm .. okay with it.

goshhhhh i'm really screwed up hahaha. & i was thinking that maybe by typing it out & just, "talking" it out would make it make more sense... but it really didn't. so yeah.

Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today" has been on repeat the whole time i've been writing this. i love that song. maybe i'll do a blog of songs that i've listened to alot during this whole ...ordeal. yeah, maybe i'll do that later on. anyway, i love these lyrics. and even tho its more of like a younger person dying than an older person, i still reallllly listen to the lyrics & can apply them to my life, ya know? but anyway! the favorite part. at the very end,

"sunny days seem to hurt the most,
i wear the pain like a heavy coat,
but the only thing that gives me hope
is i know i'll see you again someday"


and I will. I'll see them all again someday :) & that gives me the hope & strength to get there ...

8. 9. 57.

count downsss!

8 days until my 3rd favorite day of the year; christmas eve with my daddy!
9 days until my favorite day of the year, christmas!
and 57 days until my 4th favorite day of the year, anytime i get to see danielle!

so yeah.
this is insanelyyyyy redic & unnecessary butttt i don't care! hahaha.

oh! i get to see Amanda next week! i haven't seen her since her dad's funeral 3 years ago. so pathetic, ughey.  but anyway. thats going to be SO so so much fun! & meagan comes home tomorrow, so we're gonna have a "legit" date this time hahaha. so anyway. i declare, my friendships got so much stronger with everybody after they went off to college! wierdddd.

but anyway. yeah. hahaha i honestly don't know. wow. and i'm still talking! so yeah. maybe i'll shut up now.
OH!
i had a crisis last night.
nobody could see my status' on facebook. NOBODY. ughey. so then i realized, after having to stop & take a  SHOWER because i was so upset, that when i post a status from andrew, nobody can see it. and if i do one from my laptop, then people can. so ughey. i don't know anymore hahaha. but anyway, annie helped me last night & it was all good :)

woo.. okay?

so.

i was reading Danielle & I's IM archive history earlier today cause i was bored. & it only goes back to like September. depressing. & then i realized SO much of our epicness comes from phone conversations. AIM isn't there to archive that. so really funny stuff, or stuff that i just wanna keep, i'm going to blog. so in 10 years we can read it. & i'm going to try the label thing. so yeah. ima go ahead & apologize for it. cause i have no clue how much i'll post. or i could just create a new blog? maybe i'll do that. YES. i will. ahh! i'm excited. for mallory & danielle & amy & maygen & annie & alexie & claire and everybodyyyy. okay. prolly more of danielle & amy, i talk to them the most via-non-aim stuff. so yeah.

okay.

i'll post the link in a bit.

so annie creates epic playlists at 1:30.
i create blogs for my best friends at 12:17.
woooo!

okay, im so stoked now! hahaha :)

...

okay.

there's one thing you DO NOT joke around with me anymore. well not since May 31st anyway. & thats suicide.
do people not see me visibly tense up & my mood change completely when they jokingly/un-seriously mention suicide?
and these people KNOW. they know what happened.
but they don't know how bad it upset me.
but do they HONESTLY think that I would be OK with them acting like suicide is nothing? that its just a joke?
or do they even think about that?
the connection.
i'm realizing more & more that people don't care.
well, as much as i thought they would. should. could. whatever.

I'm just learning to expect the least from the people I expected the most from ....

*not intended for those of you who might read this who had suicidal thoughts/problems.. i know who you are & this is NOT you. this is idiots who don't have a brain.*

this whole "ordeal" has changed me so so so much. i was never like this before. & i hate the fact that something can change me so much. one small, simple thing. & i know its complex & complicated but still.. i thought i was stronger than to let it change me this much. & to have so much control of me. i'm just.. dissapointed in myself that i can't shake it & go on & be my oldself. & be strong again. be able to deal with all of my problems and my best friends. it seems like now, i help them deal with their stuff & i have no strength left to deal with mine. and don't get me wrong, i LOVE helping them. i love being there for them & being the one they go to when they have problems. i love knowing that they know i'm there for them whenever, no matter what, anything. it makes me feel special, ya know? anyway.. after that.. i'm just like, dude, i can't deal with my crap too so i just push it aside until eventually i just BREAK. and breakdown, and breakdown, and breakdown. last breakdown? in the middle of sunday school. thaaaat was lovely. if you were there you know how bad it was. i feel another one comming. & i pray that im alone & with parker when it comes. cause thats honestly the best way to just, let it out & regroup & idk, cope i guess.

so yeah.

this totally isn't what i thought it was gonna be, but it came out and im typing so yeah. just ignore all this hahahah, idk if it helps or not but hey, it can't hurt, right?

anyway.

i talked to jess today! yayyyy :) i love her.

the blind side

warning. if you don't wanna know what happens, don't read past this line, but know its one of the best movie's ever.

OH MY GOSH Y'ALL. SOOOOOOOOO good. i said i was gonna cry, and i didn't! idk why, it wasn't as sad as i thought. but okay. i just got through reading Mrs. Amy's post about princess & the frog (http://www.sabennett.com/wp/) and i'm too old for disney movies so i really didn't know what it was about, but reading her post, i was like OH MY GOSH. are you kidding me?! DISNEY, movie, for KIDS, with voodoo dolls? whaaaaat? i was BLOWN away. and i lost so much respect for disney now. i never was the biggest fan of disney, i can't tell you the 7dwarfs names, or anything. i remember cinderella, but i don't think i ever saw aladin or beauty and the beast [saw the play tho!] or sleeping beauty or any of those. idk. i just, wasn't into it. so anyway, i'm just like, wow.

okay! on to the blind side. i think i was expecting alot more poverty and, ghetto-ness & saddness. but it showed enough to get the point across, but still keep it cheery & upbeat. i was laughing SO hard. LOVE S.J. he's hilarious. i would have LOVED to have seen more b/w Collins & Michael. but i LOVED LOVED LOVED S.J. & michael, such great interaction. & y'all? SANDRA BULLOCK BEASTEDDDDDD her role. omg. SO good. i smiled the whole time. and get this? i counted 3 cuss words. THREE. i can't even watch a freaking disney show and hear that little! and minus a fight that Michael starts because this old yucky ghetto hood guy says that he'd tap his sister, there was no violence. but when the guy was like, "and you baby sister? mmm, i'd tap that" the wholeeeeee entire theatre went "oooh!" cause they knew it was comming. but just, LOVED this movie. and no insanely gorgeous guys to oogle over, either. i know, i know. i loved the morals in this movie. family. work hard for what you want. love. courage. being afraid and doing it anyway. going against the odds. having everything stacked up against you and going foward. being told you can't and PROVING them wrong. being told your the wrong size, wrong color, wrong height, wrong weight. everything in the world against you except for your few true friends, and doing it. i loved it. i laughed so hard, i was crying at times. it was sweet, touched my heart, and im SO stoked for it to come out on DVD. & i know i said that the proposal would be hte first movie on Andrew, but it didn't ever get there. THIS soooo might be.

I think we can just use a movie that has a happy ending.
& go see it! and take me with you hahaha :)
like, 5 thumbs up or whatever it is.
amazing.
:)

plus the fact that i got to spend the night with my daddy didn't hurt at allllllll :)

guess who has a date today...

ME! at 12. with MAYGEN! i'm SO stoked. and yes, it did take 7 facebook messages to come up with a date and time to call each other and talk. how retarded is this? ughey. but none the less,

I HAVE A HOTT DATE WITH MAYGEN LAUREN TODAY!
so, me:1 world:0 :)

looooove you baby girl!

John Mayer is epic.

So. I saw this on Sheena's other blog. fell. in. love. its so true. & you know what? i legit said "i'd like that :) " when will asked if i'd like to talk sa'more sometime. so. freaking. true. anyway, its amazing, i love John & Sheena, and here is Sheena's Blog :) anyway! enough talking. Enjoy!

So I was thinking about relationships as they pertain to songs about relationships, and I was trying to think, well it occurred to me that the key, I figured out the key to a relationship and how to make it work. Check it out, this is a tip from your uncle John, check it out.




When you first meet somebody, you find out they like you, first of all, a friend of a friend of theirs says he or she really really likes you, and it kills you, floors you, sends you to the ground. You've got to pick yourself up off the ground. Then you get their phone number and you call them up, right, and you say, "Yeah, that's a really great phone conversation, can I see you some time?" and then they say this, they say, "I'd like that." Nothing feels better than "I'd like that."



So now, your blood pressures' going. You're six feet off the ground. You can't sleep, because of "I'd like that."



So then you hang out for a while, and you call and you talk on the phone all the time, and then you drop the bomb, what feels like the bomb. You say, "You know what, I've been thinking about you a lot." And she goes, "Ahhhhhhh!" And you go, "What happened?" and she goes, "I'm sorry, I just...I just...I just...that's...I've been thinking about you too." Bam. Higher into the sky.



But now "I'd like that." Tch. Done. Now you're up to "I'm thinkin about you."



Then however number of months pass that it makes you feel comfortable saying it, you say "I gotta tell you something." They go "What?" you go, "I'm in love with you." And nothing in the world sounds better than "I'm in love with you." And then maybe she starts crying, or maybe he goes "*gasp*"



And all of a sudden you're like "I'm in."



But now what doesn't work? "I'd like that," and "I've been thinking about you." Now we're at "I'm in love with you."



Then maybe some day it'll move up to "I love you." Fast forward, now you're like "I love you a lot; I love you more than anything in life." Now "I love you" doesn't work. It's a threshold that keeps moving up. Fast forward, like six months, six weeks, whatever the case may be, now you're on like, "I want to marry you" "I want to impregnate you with my love" "I wanna, I wanna just send my love to you." "Damn it, words don't work anymore!" And then you say this line, and you know, you know you've used this line before, "I just wish they'd put a new word in the dictionary bigger than love because love just doesn't describe what I feel."



And so now he or she starts asking, "Do you love me?" and you start going, "Of course I love you." "Well say it." And then it becomes, "Say it twice." And she goes, "Say it three times." And then, you cross a really interesting point, where all the sudden it becomes, "I hate you, I hate you!" And you go, "Oh my god she hates me." And now it's like, "I hate you more than anything." And then it's like, "We're over." And then they go, "No we're not." And you g, "Yes we are."



Now the words completely do not work at all, you're left with nothing. You're throwing punches under water. You're done.



You know what the moral of that story is, if there is one. Never, ever, ever, ever underestimate the power of "I'd like that."



- John Mayer, Any Given Thursday

annie freaking rocks my towels!

SO! she had this epicly amazing idea about making a playlist for each month, and top 10 songs. but i want 13. why? well.. we kinda know why. well annie does. maybe. & if danielle ever sees this she'll laugh, and punch me in the side & say ew hes ugly. but whatever! i love this idea. so. its gonna be my favorite songs. & i'll list them and maybe talk about them. maybe i won't. but i'm REALLY excited to do this! & look back over the year and see what changes, and why i loved a certain song, or not... anyway. REALLY REALLY excited about this! thanks Annie, you SO beasted this one shug. at 4:00 am :) i loooove you! & your ultimate randomness hahaha. OH! annie. remind me to tell you about will hahahaha. wow. sometimes i just .. have NO idea about guys, but thats a whole 'nother story that y'all don't get to read, sorry. ah! okay. music time!

1. Don't know why-Norah Jones

2. Lollipop-Framing Hanley

3. Wait for Me- Theory of a Deadman

4. Superman (It's Not Easy) - Five for Fighting

5. Touch My Body - Mariah Carey

6. Rain- Creed

7. Crush- Cute Is What We Aim For

8. Forever &amp Always (piano edition) - Taylor Swift

9. Anywhere But Here- SafetySuit

10. The Other Side of The Door- Taylor Swift

11. Jump Then Fall- Taylor Swift

12. If You Only Knew- Shinedown

13. Two Is Better Than One- Boys Like Girls ft. Taylor Swift

uhm, okay. taylor swift songs should explain theirselves. LOVE the lyrics.so so so much. like, the jump then fall; "I like the way you sound in the morning, we're on the phone and without a warning i realize your laugh sound is the best sound i have ever heard"  "i like the way you're everything i ever wanted" & all the lyrics from TOSOTD.

crush; loverr sang it :)

wait for me- SWEET song. omg.

so yeah. thats that. enjoy.

Dancing My Way to College; by Hilary Meg Piner, aka Bo

heeey guys! so. if you're in this area, you know that Hilary Piner hosted, put together, choreographed, decoroated, & did EVERYTHING for her senior project, a dance recital. well, it was tonight. & me? i can't really dance. js. but Bo [Hilary, its.. a long story. she's Bo, & I'm Jo.. she started the Jo nickname in 7th grade :) ] is an AMAZiNG dancer, so i knew it'd be good. i just had no clue it'd be THAT good. i was speechless. i smiled the whole time. it. was. amazing. like... ahh! hahaha. she choreographed all the dances, except 1, which her dance instructors danced to. iiiiiii loved it. faves? all. hahaha no, top fave would be Freeze, theeeen her & michaels dance, [which i did get teary eyed over, and i'll talk about later] and when i grow up. AND her pointe dance in the begining! & OMG, who wasn't crying during "do i make you proud" for her parents? wow. & Talen is such a great dancer! i loved waching him. & elani was gorg! & everybodyyyyy else :)

so anywayyyyy. i LOVED it. & i left her a voicemail as i left, and i was like, "BO! babe. okay. here's what i have to say. if you can do all this at SEVENTEEN [17], you're gonna be UNTOUCHABLE after college" i am like, SO excited to see where she goes, cause its gonna be AMAZING. in 10 years, when we have Dancing With the Stars, version 42, she'll be the carrie ann judge. no doubt about it. OR she could be like the leader of the dallas cowboy cheerleaders. or their choreographer. OR like, the most amazing dancer ever. wait. no or there. she IS going to be an amazing dancer. WHOAAAA everybody. she ALREADY IS. everything was sooo graceful :) her pointe was really good, & her dance to Keep Holding On for her grandma was BEAUTIFUL. ahhh. i'm just.. eek! :)

so. her & michael's dance. i was talking to alexie earlier, & telling her about it, and i said [and alexie will quote!] "dude. if they had been like, 25 or something, i SO would have expected him to get on one knee and propose at the end of that dance. it was soooooooo cute. & sweet. & AWEEEEEYYYYY! it was so so so so so pretttyyyyy! i love love love loveddd the song choice :) & the lifts were schmazing! ahhh. go hilary & michael :)

soooo yeahhh.. hilary will be teaching the future husband & i how to dance for our first dance hahaha. it was gorg. OH! whoa. her first wedding dance is gonna be amazing. i just realized that hahaha. ahh. i'm excited for her to hurry up & go to college & graduate & go to the beach & open a studio so i can helppp! but wait. we're the same age. & the same year in school. so. that would mean that I'M going to be out of college & a big girl by then. soooo. we can wait on that :) hahahaha.

so, hilary meg piner, i love you. you were amazing. i'm so proud of you, & i can't wait to see what else you can do :)

xoxo

sooo... i fail.

so. i said i was gonna do a thanksgiving blog... well that was a week ago. haven't done it.

i also said i was gonna do a loverr & beefay blog. that was last saturday. haven't done it yet.

ooooh well.

here's whats up with me, since i know y'all care so much.

-finals in 11 days. kill me please.
-1 semester away from not being a high school student anymore.
- i looooove my friends, so so so so much.
-danielle & i are definately blood sisters... we were seperated at birth. i think i could only love her this much as a sister.
-mallory is freaking amazing. her & her indian-ness ; hahaha. & she can put MY chaps on ;) hahaha, i loooove you PAiGEY!
-uh.. guys are.. wierd. & complicated. seriously, i know girls are wierd too, but all you have to do is tell us we're pretty, give us chocolate, & TEXT BACK. sorry. that just, like, eirks me. okay. thats not a word.. but y'all know. without taking like, 15 minutes to say "nm doin hw" like LEGIT ppl. it takes less than 5 seconds to say nm & hit send. ughey. okay.

aaaaaand one other thing. if you know 1 thing that makes me INSANELY happy, & is redicly easy to do, WHY don't you do it? it takes YOU less than a minute, & ughhhh! oh wait. you prolly forgot. i told you. flat. out. told. you. & you did it like, twice, & i was on top of the moooon. & then you stopped. guys have no brains.. sorry. js.

but i love love love love jess :) & danielle. & mallory. & danielle's facebook! hahaha. & annie. & maygen. & ughey i miss my giiiiiirls!

so yeah. there's alot of other stuff i could say... but i'll save that for another day.