what happened to me?

where did i go? when did i lose myself? who i am now is NOT who i used to be. and, to some extent, thats good.. but there's one part of me that is SO different.

now, EVERYTIME i hear a sad song, i break down crying. i cry SO much more than i used to. if i read a freaking fictional story about somebody dying, i start crying. cry over ANYTHING now. not, a like, oh my gosh she said i was fat! kinda way, but like.. death-way. i mean, i'm SO emotional now and thats NOT who i am. i'm the strong one. i'm the one who people come to when they need help and a shoulder to cry on.

and now, everytime i see her freaking picture or hear a song or read a FREAKING STORY i just, lose it. and maybe i need to get it out. for a while after grandma godwin died i would cry at night, but it was never like this. i had one BIG bad breakdown adn then it was just, better. but not this. it won't end.

and maybe i need to get it all out? idk. but, its like, i don't know. i don't know what to say. cause i (in a sense) don't know who i am anymore. all i can do is think about the future and how she won't be there. and that just abs. kills me. sooooo much. it tears. me. down. and it holds me down. i mean, i barely made it through my first birthday party without her. what about graduation? its only months away. going of to college? she always said she wasn't going to let me go, and she was going to move in with me. and she always said she was gonna shoot the first boy i brought home cause nobody was good enough for her ta-ta. i was her ta-ta. that was really like the only real 'nickname/pet name' i ever had, other than what daddy calls me. and i know its stupid, but i miss her calling me that SO much. and i'm afraid of when i wont' be able to remember her voice. the way her skin smelled. the way her face had those funky wrinkles. how when i would spend the night with them, she would put her face cream on me too, even tho it was for old women. and how when i was a little girl, she would give me a bath in their tub even tho i was big enough to take one on my own, and how she had that old cracker barrel cup that she rinsed me off with. what happens when i can't remember that? what happens when, i just, don't have those memories? what do i remember then? how do i remember her?

i'm afraid. what happens at my wedding when my 'grandparent' isle is empty? (other than papa) when my kids want to know about my grandma? why they don't have a great-grandma?

i remember that she had these shoes, that were like, 50 thousand years old, haha. they were these flip flops she bought in key-west, and they were pink & purple & green & blue. and i LOVED them. probably because they were colorful. and she had this outfit, it was just like, a cotton shirt & shorts, in this wierd floral material. and i loved it SO SO SO SO SO much. i have NO idea why. but every year on my birthday, she would always wear that outfit and those shoes. they didn't match, oh goodness they didn't match. but she always wore them, because they were my favorite. and idk, i just remembered that.. prolly from the time i was 4, up until my 16th birthday party.. she always wore it. even when it had holes, she always wore it.

and of my 17th she didn't.