get lost.

do you ever just wanna, drive & get lost? completely lose touch with reality...

just skip town with the person who means the most, and leave cell phones and computers at home, and just go.

leave all the drama & bs and crap at home, forget the ones who betrayed you, the ones who hurt you, and just be with who really means the most?

forget all your worries, all your troubles, all your heartache.

and just DRIVE. ending up, who knows where. just.. leave.

yeah. i wanna get lost. i feel like i need to get lost. &i need you now.

R.I.P. Bella

last night, around 1am, i got a terrifying phone call from Dan & Kristi saying that Bella died. it abs. broke my heart.

for those of you that don't know, Bella was a spotted draft horse. She was by far the friendliest giant you'll ever meet. she had no idea how big she was. she was truly a big ol' teddy bear. and her neck was, HUGE. in the winter, she was so much fun to sit on bareback and mess around, because she kept you warm! haha. she was so big, it was like sitting on a couch. and talk about being bow-legged when you got off! haha. bella's canter was HUGE. well i mean obviously, she was a draft horse, but it was sooooo different than any other canter i've ever ridden.

for the Bailey Christmas Parade 2 years ago, Sissy rode Bella, and I walked buddy, and they were parts of our float. that was definately really cool.

but she was just, a really really cool horse. SO gentle & sweet, but she would try to get her way sometimes too, so you would have to get on her a little bit.

but you'll never find another horse like her, and  I am so honored to have been able to ride her & know her, and I'm so thankful to say that she was the first draft horse I ever rode.

You'll forever live in my heart <3

complex

i do. i really really do.

and i give myself a complex.

for example.

if i don't talk to somebody for a few days, i freak out, and think they're superly pissed at me or something. so then, i replay EVERYTHING we've said within the past few days trying to analyze what i did to tick them off, or make them mad at me.

or, if somebody posts a tweet or blog or status update about somebody annoying them, or being selfish, or being a *itch, i like, freak out and think its about me and then beat myself over a thousand times.

then, i finally get to talk to that person, and they're not mad at me. they've just been REALLY busy. & i havne't screwed up this amazing relationship i have with that person.

talk about being relieved.

and i can finally breathe again.

like, the world is no longer on my shoulders. it feels SO good. even tho i've prolly added a few gray hairs from FREAKING out so much, but yeah.

its one of my many quirks. =)

I can make playlists, too!

so gosh, it seemed like EVERYBODY was making new playlists today! sheena, KC, callie, everybody.. SO, i made one too! this one is really.. random. as always. so, i hope you enjoy! so far, i'm REALY liking it :)

it left some off, so here are the ones at the bottom;

-how to save a life; the fray

-100 years; Five for Fighting

-I don't want to wait; Paula Cole

-Babylon; David Gray

-Stolen; Dashboard Confessional

-Smile; Uncle Cracker

so yeah, super cheesey, haha, but thats OK. and yeah, i'm kinda addicted to SGAHFM, chuuuknowwwittttt Sheena!

enjoy :)

To whom it may concern..

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again. I want
to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to
think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play dodgeball at recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a
big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you,
because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things
that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in our youth, we matured
and learned too much. There are nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, and abused children. Lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain, and death. A world where
companies poison our water and our soil, and children kill. What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we
didn't grasp the concept of death? When the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball. I
want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to return to the days when children played
hide-n-seek outside instead of being glued to a television, when video games were as harmless as Pac-Man...instead of spine-ripping, blood-splattering
mind numbers like Mortal Combat, and TV still had some shows on that weren't about sex, killing, and lies.

I remember being naive and thinking everyone was happy because I was. Afternoons were spent climbing trees and fences and riding my bike. I never
worried about time, bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my car. I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not
worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money
in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So.... here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to
discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause, "Tag! You're it."

okay. i realize i'm only 17, and not an 'adult', but this made me smile, so yeah. enjoy!

agree?

maybe we expect more from others because we would be willing to do THAT much for them...

music & such..

So. Last night, I asked sheen for her workout playlist. So, she posted
it on her blog, and after I about killed myself from running, we
started talking. About music; not that that surprising, we talk alot
about music. But idk how, ibstarred talking about older country.
Theeeeen I got to thinking about how miss Peggy and mr. Gearld tought
me about music when I was little. And sherlin would come and we'd
dance around and stuff. And one of the earliest songs I can remember
is "you don't seem to miss me" by patty loveless and george jones. And
athe ripe ol age of 5, I didn't really know what it was about. But now
I get it... But anyway. I never really thought about it, but hey
tought me to love music. Everytime we'd get in the car, the radio
would come on, and that's when I fell on love with country.

And then Sheena and I started talking about genre's. And we decided
that there needs to be 2 genres. New country, and country. George
jones, patty lovless, george straight, Kenny chesney, Garth Brooks,
Vince gill, Martina mcbride, Tim McGraw, brad paisley, etc. Belong in
the country genre.

Taylor swift, Carrie underwood, keith urban, dierks bentley, billy
currington, Jason aldean, lady a. zac brown band, Kellie pickler,
Julianne hough, James Otto, would be in the other one.

Now don't get me wrong. I love both groups, just differently. The
first ones are the classics. THe legends. The people who made country
what it is. The new group is defining it. They get highschool girls
through the bad days. Give us something to look at :) ya know

So wow, that was kinda pointless. Ohh well. I'll always remember
patty& George singing, and falling in love with country music :)

Xoxo, jo

am i completely crazy? i think i'm completely crazy.

okay. so. the holiday is on. the movie.. its REALLY good. i love it. FLOVE jude law! actually, i'm not WATCHING it, moms watching it in the other room & i'm listening. and i'm in my room on Andrew, writing this. soo.. yeah. okay. anyway, on to why i think i'm abs. crazy.

i saw this movie last year, 3 days before christmas, with sherlon & miss peggy. sherlon & i had went out to eat at the cheesecake factory, got our make up done @ bobbi brown, and shopped. we started at like, 3pm, and got home at like, 10, and then watched the movie. i finally went to bed around 1:30, haha. SUCH an amazing day. and listening now, i declare i'm back in their living room, sipping french vanilla coffe, miss peggy ANNOYINGLY quoting everything they say, snuggle up on the couch with a blanket, and sherlon at the other end. and i want to BAWL. just weep like crazy. cry my eyes out. why? I HAVE NO FREAKING EARTHLY IDEA! gah! like, am i longing the sense of 'perfectness' that day? or just the simplicity. or just, everything was 'right' then, as far as personal drama.

OR, maybe its cause i love CHRISTMAS time SOOO much, i just, miss it. or i don't know.

but i'm practically crying just thinking about that day. i want to go back to that day. that day beasted. majorly. SO much.

&i'm like that about other days too. but that day REALLY sticks out right now.

i don't know. i know i'm probably really crazy, and i probably need a shrink, and i'm so so so so sorry.

is it THAT hard to have a backbone?

I am just SO, SO SO SO freaking sick and tired of people NOT having a backbone. not being able to stand up for what they believe in. for not being able to stay true to their word.

the last one REALLY gets under my skin. some kinda bad. it honestly makes me want to smack people. and its like, gah, its okay if we DISAGREE on stuff, just, don't agree with me cause its easier, then when the time comes, completely leave me standing alone.

it just seems like, now, its easier to just keep going back on your word & lying than to keep your word & stand by your beliefs.

what happened to me?

where did i go? when did i lose myself? who i am now is NOT who i used to be. and, to some extent, thats good.. but there's one part of me that is SO different.

now, EVERYTIME i hear a sad song, i break down crying. i cry SO much more than i used to. if i read a freaking fictional story about somebody dying, i start crying. cry over ANYTHING now. not, a like, oh my gosh she said i was fat! kinda way, but like.. death-way. i mean, i'm SO emotional now and thats NOT who i am. i'm the strong one. i'm the one who people come to when they need help and a shoulder to cry on.

and now, everytime i see her freaking picture or hear a song or read a FREAKING STORY i just, lose it. and maybe i need to get it out. for a while after grandma godwin died i would cry at night, but it was never like this. i had one BIG bad breakdown adn then it was just, better. but not this. it won't end.

and maybe i need to get it all out? idk. but, its like, i don't know. i don't know what to say. cause i (in a sense) don't know who i am anymore. all i can do is think about the future and how she won't be there. and that just abs. kills me. sooooo much. it tears. me. down. and it holds me down. i mean, i barely made it through my first birthday party without her. what about graduation? its only months away. going of to college? she always said she wasn't going to let me go, and she was going to move in with me. and she always said she was gonna shoot the first boy i brought home cause nobody was good enough for her ta-ta. i was her ta-ta. that was really like the only real 'nickname/pet name' i ever had, other than what daddy calls me. and i know its stupid, but i miss her calling me that SO much. and i'm afraid of when i wont' be able to remember her voice. the way her skin smelled. the way her face had those funky wrinkles. how when i would spend the night with them, she would put her face cream on me too, even tho it was for old women. and how when i was a little girl, she would give me a bath in their tub even tho i was big enough to take one on my own, and how she had that old cracker barrel cup that she rinsed me off with. what happens when i can't remember that? what happens when, i just, don't have those memories? what do i remember then? how do i remember her?

i'm afraid. what happens at my wedding when my 'grandparent' isle is empty? (other than papa) when my kids want to know about my grandma? why they don't have a great-grandma?

i remember that she had these shoes, that were like, 50 thousand years old, haha. they were these flip flops she bought in key-west, and they were pink & purple & green & blue. and i LOVED them. probably because they were colorful. and she had this outfit, it was just like, a cotton shirt & shorts, in this wierd floral material. and i loved it SO SO SO SO SO much. i have NO idea why. but every year on my birthday, she would always wear that outfit and those shoes. they didn't match, oh goodness they didn't match. but she always wore them, because they were my favorite. and idk, i just remembered that.. prolly from the time i was 4, up until my 16th birthday party.. she always wore it. even when it had holes, she always wore it.

and of my 17th she didn't.

6 months & 1 day.

woooo! i cannot. simply cannot believe i've known annie for 6 months. feels like, 6 decades. but shes a baby so thats impossible. but yeah. she is so... crazy, and wild, and predictable yet i'm always surprised at what she does/says. i have a tonnnnnn of control over her, its like, crazy. and i've taught her awot too. but she's tought me a wots too! so, since i'm the one thats good with the sweet stuff, i'm gonna try and be sweet, haha.

she ALWAYS makes me laugh. well, its more like a, eyes big as saucers, mouth in an "O" and eye brows reachign the stars kinda way.. but she never fails.

she's put up wiht more of my *crap than anybody.

she knows me (scarily) wayyyy too well.

we have SO many inside jokes i can't remember them all.

we have the BEST game ever, called 3-2. :) be jealous.

SHE can turn ANYTHING into some really slutty comment. but its okay, cause i kinda made her that way (with the help of Sheena, of course)

i'm gradually making her a football fan.

i make fun of her alot but she knows i don't mean it :)

she's going to teach me how to twirl a baton thingey, she just doesn't know it yet.

shes like, the most goth-rocker chick girl i've ever met, and she thinks thats insaneeee.

i have changed her SO much. like, yeah.

i make her laugh alot too.

she's perfectly okay with a vegas wedding.

she's fully prepared for me to turn into bridezilla.

she's the best researcher EVER, and she will be fully reimbursed eventually :)

i use up all of her minutes, but thats okay.

i practically own her facebook profile.

aaaand shes just... one of my favorite friends ever.

&idk where i'd be w/o her.

so this is for you, mrs. annie rose peleckie trevor drumma booiiiii colletti!

loved & lost?

Got a date a week from Friday with a preacher's son
Everybody says he's crazy
I'll have to wait and see

I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came
I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves

I'm probably going on and on
It seems I'm doing more of that these days


I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you
Susan says that I should just move on

You oughta see the way these people look at me
When they see me 'round here talking to this stone

Everybody thinks I've lost my mind
But I just take it day by day


I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes I feel an angel's touch
Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Probably wouldn't be this way

Got A Date a week from Friday with a preacher's son
Everybody says I'm crazy
I'll have to wait and see



so. its more about losing her husband than a grandparent, but still seems somewhat fitting. & i promise, all my posts won't always be this depressing & sad! haha. but, like the song says, ya know, what if you never met the person? what if you never loved them? never got to know everything about them? theirs likes, their dislikes? would you be any better? sometimes i think so, but then, i realize i never got to meet my grandpa godwin. daddy's dad. and i often think about him. everybody talks about him, but i would have really liked to have known him. just, to know him. even if i could just meet him for a day, i think it'd be so cool. what would he tell me? what adivice would he give me? what would he teach me how to do? would he be proud of me? would he like Parker? would he come to my horse shows? now, obviously, the answer to those last 3 questions are yes, but still.. what area of life would he be REALLY good at?

my papa is AMAZING at any kind of animal question. he knows so much abotu them. and he knows what all the crops are in the fields, too. so what would grandpa godwin know? what would he teach me? grandma godwin tought me how to sew. grandma tought me how to cook, and medical stuff. papa teaches me how to dress birds, and hunt, and take care of animals.

so, even tho i'm really sad about what happened with grandma, i still learned SO much. and yes, if i never met her, i wouldn't be this sad and depressed & have such a different look on life, but look at what else i would be missing out on! i woudln't have an AMAZING pearl necklace that my papa gives me pearls for, i woudln't know how to make biscuits that are HEAVENLY. i woudln't know how to properly clean a wound. i woudln't know how to hem pants. i woudln't know how to fry steak, or pick fruit from the store. and i could go on and on and ON about all the things she tought me.

so, is it better to have loved & lost than to have never loved it all? well for me, its better to have loved & lost. cause i have the memories to soothe the pain, a horse to wipe the tears, and friends to hug.

agree?